Sunday, August 26, 2012

To celebrate National Toilet Paper Day, 75% of Americans have digested the choices and decided that toilet paper should be hung with the roll overhanging, not underhanging. In the first-ever nationwide survey conducted by NetPlenish, researchers who bent over forwards to get to the truth were surprised by the unanimity of the findings: the nation's toilet paper must hang at full mast. The results suggest that is profoundly un-American to allow your toilet paper to droop down toward the floor. Is it a symbol of defeat, of depression, of capitulation? Apparently not in Massachusetts. For reasons not readily accountable, this state is the one downcast renegade. It rolls under.

The survey discovered that women are even keener on the over-the-top position than are men.  Researchers discovered, though, that between the ages of 25-34, true Americans experience something of a movement in their bathroom habits. A mere 70% in this age range still roll their toilet paper over. The rest sink to unacceptable depths. However, by the time they are in their 60s, more than 82% of Americans know exactly how it hangs. 

NetPlenish is considering whether, on this National Toilet Paper Day, Congress might consider legislation that would make it, at the very least, a misdemeanor - punishable by community service restroom cleaning - to hang your toilet paper under the roll. The company feels sure that, in an era in which Congress seems unable to agree on anything, this is an issue upon which everyone can sit united. It is not the 1% that has nailed its colors to the mast, but the 75%.

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