America Spends Its Last $315 on Nikes

As unemployment ravages the working class, our lower and higher education systems shudder in crisis, and murder decimates our forgotten urban poverty zones, Nike is rolling out its first $300+ sneaker. But mom, you don't understand—it's worth it.

The coming $315 LeBron X Nike Plus, due in the fall, is expected to come embedded with motion sensors that can measure how high players jump. The LeBron 9 PS Elite basketball shoes, which currently retail for $250, feature Nike's signature swoosh in metallic gold.

Hmm, gold. Sounds like a good investment. Nike is actually ordering stores to stop holding buzz-building midnight releases of their new shoes because we, the consumers, always line up and start riots and fight each other for the privilege of buying Nike's newest products.

We all deserve what we get.